


Life Before My Eyes

by EidolonLathi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26683534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EidolonLathi/pseuds/EidolonLathi
Summary: Reiner is becoming aware that Berthold is feeling distressed. But despite his utmost effort to figure out the reason stays clueless about the actual source of Berthold’s unrest.
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Kudos: 27





	Life Before My Eyes

Reiner straightened his back, looking at Connie, mirroring the smile directed at him. “And anyway, if those titans get too annoying, we’ll just finish them off.” He kept ignoring the stare glued to the back of his head.

Connie nodded in agreement, the last bit of worry that had lingered behind his eyes until now leaving. “And the plan for the excursion is to avoid them anyway. So who knows, maybe we will only encounter very few from up so close that we’ll need to cut them down.”

“See, Connie? That’s exactly what I meant. It’s important to stay focused once we’re outside of the wall. But this entire month we got prepared for this excursion, it’s important to remember this as well.” Reiner could still feel the relentless stares the person sitting at the table behind him was directing at him. He tried to ignore the situation, giving Connie his full attention instead. 

Letting hear an absentminded sigh Connie took another bite of his dinner. “Just like this. It’s just, I guess I’m starting to overthink things.”

Next to him Sasha, who had been silently listening to Reiner’s and Connie’s conversation until now, softly nudged her elbow into Connie’s arm. “No, don’t say that. I think it is normal to be nervous before our first excursion beyond the wall.”

Hearing this Connie smiled in embarrassment, silently shrugging his shoulders. 

“Sasha’s right”, Reiner stressed, taking a bite of his own dinner. Lowering his voice, he continued: “I tell you a secret, even I am getting a bit nervous now we’re soon about to dash out.” 

“Reiner, you really are?!”

“Impossible, there’s no such thing as you losing your cool!”, Sasha said.

Hearing this Connie looked at her, eyes widening. “Come on, Sasha, you can’t be serious right now. Of course everyone gets nervous once in a while. It’s only natural. You just said so yourself.”

“But our Reiner here?!”, Sasha insisted, giving Reiner a questioning look. 

Suppressing a sigh Reiner nodded in confirmation, the small gesture enough to erase the disbelief still set on Sasha’s face. 

It was the truth. Thinking that by tomorrow around this time they would be deep into titan territory left a hollow feeling in Reiner’s stomach. Yes, titans were scary. There was no point to pretend feeling otherwise he thought; pictures of what they had encountered in Trost only some weeks ago appearing before his inner eyes. Those pictures were still livid, having lost none of their detail. 

He shook his head absentmindedly, trying to focus on his dinner instead. There was meat and carrots, all tasting decently. He should appreciate a warm meal as long as he could get it; on the excursion the rations they would be taking would be designed to fuel their bodies efficiently and would taste accordingly. 

And anyway, if he was honest, the thing making Reiner most nervous at the moment was not some random titan but Berthold. The entire evening he had been giving him meaningful stares full of emotion, stares which intent Reiner failed to decipher. And the glares had won in intensity the more the evening had went on, the more Reiner had started to immerse in conversation with Connie and Sasha about their incoming mission. And the reason for those looks appeared as nebulous as ever. 

Giving Berthold a quick sideway glance, Reiner started thinking. It couldn’t be… it couldn’t be that Berthold was feeling jealous? Sure, Reiner got along well with Connie and the others… but Berthold still knew it was him who was the most important to Reiner, yes? He knew that, right? 

Either way, whatever the cause for Berthold’s tense mood was, Reiner wanted to make an effort to make it better. He lingered on after dinner, waiting for Berthold, making sure they didn’t directly walk back to the barracks but to instead take a little detour. He signalled Berthold to follow him into a badly lit corner that no longer got reached by artificial light, a place where they could talk for a few minutes without getting disturbed. 

The only problem was that now they were alone, Reiner had no longer any idea of what to say. The sentences he had carefully prepared in advanced seemed now shallow and pointless, the tension radiating from Berthold’s quiet figure rendering him silent. 

The corner they were standing in was so full of darkness that not even the smallest gleam of light had a chance to reach Berthold’s face, making the look on his face impossible to guess. 

Lead by a confused desperation that seemed to come out of nowhere, Reiner grabbed the hem of Berthold’s shirt. “Berthold? Just because I like talking with our other comrades doesn’t me that you stopped being my… my most important friend. You know that, right?”

Berthold paused, the seconds passing between them feeling unnaturally long. Though Reiner still could not see the expression on his face, he could tell that the comment had caught Berthold off guard. 

When Berthold started talking, his voice sounded very silent. “I know. That is not… It’s not like I want to make you stop talking to other people.”

The sentiment had sounded genuine enough but Reiner could tell that there was more. Yet he had still no idea in the slightest why Berthold had apparently felt this upset the entire evening. 

Before Reiner could ask any more about that, Berthold had already continued talking: “But you understand that we must be careful about what we bring up as a subject when talking to them, right?”

Careful? Was Berthold still feeling guilt about the circumstances that had forced them to flee their village? Though that day had been messy, Reiner was certain none of their comrades was seriously judging them. Being forced to flee from the titans on that fatal day, almost everyone had been confronted with messy circumstances. “I just think that as a soldier it’s a good thing to not only regard the people you see every day as comrades. But that it is better to try and become friends with them”, Reiner heard himself say. He was still clinging to the hem of Berthold’s shirt, having the weird impression he was missing something important even though what he just had told Berthold was sounding reasonable enough. 

When Berthold started talking, his voice sounded almost lost, begging: “Reiner? We’re not soldiers, remember? We’re warriors.”

Reiner felt a sharp jolt crawl down his spine, before his mind had properly processed the words he had heard. He had forgotten. How was it possible that he had forgotten all about it? Again!

“Reiner?”

“We’re warriors. I remember. I can remember now.”

Now his eyes were adjusting to the darkness around them better, Reiner could clearly see how Berthold was nodding in agreement. There was still no way to see what expression his face was showing though. Judging from how his voice had just sounded it couldn’t be one that was looking too happy. 

Reiner took a deep breath, feeling his face getting hot with shame. “We will get out of here and return back home. I promise.” The words sounded empty and meaningless in his own ears. Ultimately they were no step farther than on the day they had decided to join the Survey Corps. Whatever progress they had managed to achieve, it always seemed to crumble into insignificance before they would get the chance to secure it into a safe place. “Playing soldier” as Annie loved to describe it, in this moment Reiner had to admit that it was simply the description most fitting. 

He felt Berthold’s arm move. For a terribly long second Reiner was certain that Berthold would shove his hand away, that he had gotten sick of Reiner clinging to him like a lost child. But what happened instead was that he took hold of Reiner’s hand, holding it tight in a solid grip. “We will find a way home. Together.”

“Together”, Reiner echoed, the hold of his own hand tightening around Berthold’s now he had gotten the approval to do so. 

They would find a way home together, somehow. There was simply no acceptable alternative to this. 

Around them the darkness of the night grew denser, helping to hide them away. They would need to face the company of the barracks again soon enough, adjust the expression on their faces and tone of their voices accordingly. But for a little moment longer they were allowed to remain no one else but their own selves. 

The End


End file.
